I’d run away from my care home. I was sat on a wall by a busy road, deciding how I was going to kill myself.
This guy pulled up and asked if I was OK. He drove off and came back with a plastic cup of tea and a bar of chocolate. We sat in his car and talked for hours. He rolled a couple of joints and we got stoned. He gave me a lift back to the care home and as we were saying goodbye, he undid his trousers and pushed my head down.
When I resisted, he laughed and said it was because I’d smoked all his weed. I did it because he had been so nice to me. I felt like he had come to my rescue.
The man continued to pick me up and take me out. He brought me chocolates and perfume and said he loved me. At his flat one day there was a group of his friends there watching porn and smoking pot.
One of his friends started touching me and when I tried to stop him my ‘boyfriend’ said it was OK because they were all friends. They took it in turns to have sex with me. The porn film on the TV was showing a woman with all these men around her, she was smiling and looking like she was really enjoying herself.
I was crying but nobody noticed.
Being exposed to sex through abuse from an early age affected the way I saw it and felt about it. I have never seen sex as something that involves love, or something that people in a loving relationship would do.
Sex has always been about having something that someone else wants. It always seems to me that it was all anyone wanted from me – the only thing I had that was worth anything; the only thing that was interesting or appealing about me.
Each time I would hope that by giving my body the person would fall in love with the rest of me, but of course that never happened. It was always just about the sex.
I could lie there and do things without being embarrassed. Men often think it’s confidence or enjoyment but it’s actually a complete separation from my body. I take my mind somewhere else. But once it’s over, the feelings are always the same – I feel exposed, vulnerable, dirty, disgusting, unloveable.
I’m that little girl again and I’m scrubbing my skin in the shower until I’m numb. Numb on the outside and numb on the inside.
When Naked Truth started we had no idea how deeply many of our friends had been impacted by porn. It seems few lives are unaffected. I’m grateful to our friend, who has shared with such incredible honesty. I hope it will provoke you to pray for those who have been broken and battered by porn’s powerful punch and to pray for Naked Truth as we seek to open eyes and free lives.